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u/drinkdeepanddescendReddit Premium
I lost my wife and mom to cancer less than a month apart in 2015. I’ve been to rehab and relapsed 9mo later. It’s been over a year since I’ve had a drink now. Life and Love are worth fighting for.
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August 4, 2018
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Gilding II


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Since January 2019

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Hey friend. I hope you’re doing ok. I lost my wife and mom to cancer both in 2015. I was already an alcoholic, but went off the rails at that point. Was drinking about a liter of Jameson a day and putting my gun in my mouth every now and then just to see how it felt. I went to rehab and relapsed 9mo later, totaled two cars rolling one on a main street. Eventually my sister found me surrounded by empty fifths of tequila with a chipped front tooth from blacking out, two days from being evicted and unable to walk I was so fucking trashed.

This month marks my one year anniversary without a drink. It hasn’t been easy by any means, but it’s been worth it. I think if you find what works for you and stick with it, you’ll be ok. For me, I was literally killing myself and had to find a reason to keep living w/o my wife. There’s a lot of good still left in this world and a lot of people that are genuine and willing to help. My personal journey would’ve been a lot easier if I would’ve realized that fact early on. All of my best to you friend and remember it will get better. Maybe not how you planned or hoped, but it will.

Hey friend. It won’t last forever, trust me. Over a year in now and things have gotten much better since the first couple months. Just try to keep yourself occupied and your mind busy. Before you know it, 6 months will have passed and you’ll realize you haven’t even thought about having a drink in days or a week or more. My best to you.

Hey friend. Congratulations on not drinking! You’re doing great. Most of the tremors should be gone in about a week or so. Just take it easy and try to eat well, drink water and get some rest. You’ll be good before you know.

I haven’t had a drink in over a year now and for me cannabis has helped. If you’re in a legal state, I would recommend an indica (as they’re typically more of a relaxant than sativas) with a relatively low thc percentage. Higher levels of thc can cause anxiety especially if you’re not a regular partaker, which is counterproductive. I hope you find what works best for you, friend and just keep at it.

We had a scary moment last night. We are still in Hawaii, and She started coughing a whole lot, and when we told her doctor on the phone they said to go to the nearest emergency room.

They did an EKG, and said her heart sack is filling with liquid, she can't fly home because the change in pressure can cause cardiac arrest, and they wanted to life flight us to Honolulu to have a procedure done to remove the fluid. This procedure has a 6 day recovery time. Our flight is tomorrow.

With her type of cancer, any surgery she has will advance the cancer faster, because new cells from the healing will be cancerous themselves.

We decided it's not worth the risk for her to get worst out of state, and we are instead going to risk the flight home. If the doctors at home, who know her condition, want to do the procedure, so be it, and if she dies on the plane, it's better to go trying to get home, than to be locked somewhere for your final days surrounded by strangers.

Wish us luck.

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Original Poster1 point · 3 days ago

I know this must be excruciating. My heart goes out to you both and your family. This isn’t how it should be, but it sounds like you’re trying to do what’s best regardless. Just try not to get ydown on yourself. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. All of my best to you both friend.

Update: we survived the flight, and now she's at our hospital, and I'm at home getting R&R

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Original Poster1 point · 2 days ago

That’s great news friend. Please try to relax and let others help. You’ll be in my thoughts.

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This is very cool. Thank you for sharing OP.

7 points · 4 days ago · edited 4 days ago

I loved books as a kid, but it wasn’t until I read Songs of the Doomed by Hunter S. Thompson that I became a reader as an adult. I dated a woman in the late 90s that worked at a rare/used bookstore and was a huge HST fan. Fear and Loathing in LV had just come out a year before. I saw it and liked it, but it wasn’t until about 5 years later that my soon to be brother in law was showing me his collection of HST and his copy of The Curse of Lono. I really got into it and decided to pick up one of his books. I went to Bookman’s in Flagstaff, AZ and bought the only Hunter Thompson book they had (songs of the doomed) and read it cover to cover. From that moment on I was a fan. In an odd turn of events I ended up working at that same bookstore a year later and immersed myself in the book trade. Learning all about modern firsts and points of issue etc. From there I ended up working at a local library for almost 10yrs where I met my wife who was a Research Specialist/Librarian. Books have been an important part of my life ever since.

Oh man I cried several times throughout this book. One of my favorite novels by SK. Glad you were able to squeeze in the time to read it. Worth the 800 pages imo.

Original Poster6 points · 5 days ago

It's my opinion that simply quitting without examination of causes and conditions (as I repeatedly tried) is a prescription for relapse. I used the 12 steps of AA to examine my life and make changes. When I finally did them, the steps enabled me to see what was making me drink against my will and gave me some directions for living without alcohol and narcotics. I had a lot of problems with the religiosity of AA, kept me bouncing in and out for years, but the fear of insanity and death kept me coming back. Russell Brand has an interesting take on the steps for non-believers BTW. I wish I had a secret to share for recovery but I don't. Plenty of good people never get it and I don't know why I did. Don't give up, don't die and keep coming back.

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Congratulations Friend! That’s very cool. I liked the idea they mentioned in rehab of using anything as a higher power. It doesn’t have to be a “traditional” higher power. For me personally, I believe in a God and Love is my higher power. Just over a year w/o a drink and I aspire to be where you’re at in your sobriety some day. Thanks for sharing friend.